So here we are at Part Two of my story of 2018 and “getting a life”. Let’s continue to explore the Year 7 aspects. If you haven’t read the first post, you can do so here.
Analysis and reflection
I have delved into my life stories.
The stories I’ve been telling forever.
The blame stories.
The victim stories.
The “I feel sorry for myself” stories.
Writing them out, engaging with them.
With curiosity: “Where did you come from?”
“Do you still serve me?”
I’m so tired of these stories.
I re-framed the past.
Busted those stories.
Faced them head-on.
I decided to write new ones.
“It [the 7 year] should be used to gain the mental and emotional experience that will make greater achievement possible in the 8 year… When deep emotions arise feel them. Experience them. Do not deny them.” [Source: Christine DeLorey]
Hands down, this has been the hardest part of the year. Believe me, the emotions have been plentiful – grieving for a son who has left home, feeling lonely and alone, feeling stuck and undervalued, saying goodbye to South Africa.
Learning to sit with the emotions when they arise has been my steepest learning curve.
Acknowledging that they even exist.
Not numbing them by ‘doing’ something.
Trying to name them.
Attempting to find out what is behind them
Hard. Hard. Hardest.
Part of this has happened because of where I am in my life. I am down-sizing in a big way as prepare to return to the UK after 17 years in South Africa. A lot of financial responsibilities are slowly falling away. I’m de-cluttering ‘stuff’ all the time. I do not want to pay for junk to go across the oceans.
But a lot has been about working on inner clutter and reducing mental clutter. Shedding the emotional burdens that I carry around with me every day. Deciding to stop living in the past and stop chasing future happiness and success.
I have my Morning Pages and evening meditation practice to thank for being able to make some headway on shifting the inner clutter.
For me, this flows naturally from reducing the overwhelm. I was more able to make a conscious list of all the things in my life that I no longer want to define me, things that I no longer have to do if I don’t want to. There’s a long list (if you want to read more, you can do that here) but here are some to give you a sense of what I’ve decided to let go of.
My need to be perfect.
My “glass half full” attitude.
Doubt in myself and the future – my need for certainty.
And the growing part?
Well, I’ve left this bit to last, because it’s the most exciting part of the whole year!
My research and quest into myself has shown me that I when I clear away the crud (see above list), I have an amazing set of tools inside me that I can draw on:
- Ownership, accountability and responsibility
Note, there is nothing in here about work or personal achievements and accomplishments. I’ve come to realise that in an inner journey, they are the side effects, not the things to chase.
A process and practice
Obviously, I haven’t become spiritually awake overnight.
None of these things I want to let go of miraculously disappear overnight just because I decided to let go of them. They are tenacious little buggers.
Just as new ways of being don’t appear magically in one’s life like a package from Amazon. With a label saying “Open me, and your new life will pop out without any hard work or effort.”
It takes long periods of dedicated practice to learn how to use them. They aren’t quick fixes, like a sticky plaster we can use to patch up our wounds. The practice is a long-term healing process, healing one level at a time and constantly digging deeper to access the wounds more deeply hidden.
I see now why they call it a “practice“.
I know now, that if everything is always balanced and in harmony, I wouldn’t be able to use my tools to stay connected to myself no matter what arises.
There will be a lot more excavation to do.
But I am ready for it.
Bring it on.
If you have been following my blog this year, you will know that I believe in synchronicity and serendipity and that they do happen if I am aware enough to notice. Just as joy is ever-present if I pause long enough to be aware of it.
Everyday magic – Everyday Delights…
My inner journey continues. The focus for me now is to continue using my tools, even when my life changes dramatically next year when I move back to the UK and start a new era of my life.
The Year 7 forecast was spot on. In fact, everything turned out as predicted. I just hope my 8 Year in 2019 is as accurate.
You can find Part One of this post here