Transitions: An oxymoron

My life at this moment in time is an oxymoron. I have to say, this phrase just “came to me” as I was writing this morning. It’s not a word I use often, but it really fits my situation.

An oxymoron is a figure of speech in which two opposite ideas are joined to create an effect. The common oxymoron phrase is a combination of an adjective proceeded by a noun with contrasting meanings, such as “cruel kindness,” or “living death”. 

[Source: Literary Devices]

The oxymoron for me is about finding the fine balance between utter control and letting go.

What do I mean?

I am trying to find somewhere to live. I have been at J’s house for almost 6 months, and will almost certainly be there for another 2 at least. There are so many places to live in this part of England but most of them are way too expensive for my pocket, especially as I am not currently working full time.

So the control bit. Actually it’s more about being proactive rather than control. These are the actions I can take and control:

  1. Decide roughly when I’d like to make the move (October 2019), what I can afford for a rental and outline on the basics. For example, I really want a 2-bed roomed place so that I have a work space and spare bedroom so my son can have a room of his own when he is on holiday from uni.
  2. Then I start to research things – its an inherent part of who I am – I love to find out stuff. So in this instance I found an amazing tool on the Right Move website that allowed be to plug in my budget, requirements and how far I want to be away from family and it returned 183 areas that I could live! That really helped me to narrow down the options, as I don’t want to be more than 2 hours away from family.
  3. Then I installed some apps to look for rentals and began saving searches for this types of places I want and can afford. That in itself is overwhelming, as there is so much available.
  4. Having found some areas that sound interesting, I am now making plans to visit them to get a sense of what they are like in real life. This week I am off to the Isle of Wight which is off the south coast of England. I would like to live near a creative community, near the coast if possible and somewhere green!

These are the things I can control. The things I can take action on. Then there are the “behind the scenes” things. For example:

  • I have set an intention about the essence of where I’d like to live that goes something like this: “I live in an area and home that supports everything that I am”
  • I am writing pieces that let my imagination run free – the ideal home
  • I visualise it as much as I can
  • I talk about my ideal a lot too, trying to be really clear about what that ideal is.

In other words I am putting energy into imagining my dream home. But then, do I sit back and wait for the universe to guide me to the ideal spot? How long do I wait?

Photo by nicollazzi xiong on

The hard work starts: finding that balance

This is where the hard work starts, for me. This is where I need to learn to relinquish control and let go. And of course, there are a number of competing voices in my head that make letting go difficult.

One is Little Deb (my inner child) who is yearning and desperate to stop moving around and have her own things around her. We have after all been living in other people’s houses, without our own stuff, since December 2017.

The other voice is Mergatroid, who is playing the financial insecurity card. “How can you move into a place of your own when you have no regular income?”, she whispers. For once, she has a point. I don’t have a regular income and normally this would bother me a lot – that’s why she is using it against me!

In the past, this would’ve been my route. But I’ve spent too much of my life living in places that suck the life out of me because that’s where my job is. This time, I’m choosing to do things differently, because I have the freedom to do that. I’m selecting the area to live first and hopefully find the right rental and then I’ll start looking for work. I’m not wanting a high powered, work-all-hours type of job anyway. I will do quite well with something part time (maybe 2 days a week) to leave time to explore my other creative endeavours.

There’s such a fine balance between being proactive and letting things flow naturally. Finding the right place to live will largely be based on serendipity and synchronicity, if I let it be that way. I remind myself that most of my recent experiences with places to live have happened like that, and they’ve all been great spots and have happened at the “right” moment.

Do any of you have any advice for how to navigate this, to find this balance? If you do, please leave me a comment.

This post is part of my Transitions series.

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